Super Happy Fun Island Yay
by nedthejanitor
Summary: The gang goes on a cruise to help Yami relax, but the cruise becomes a nightmare whenever the worst happens: being stuck on a little island with Kaiba, Yami Marik, Yami Bakura, and Pegasus! REVISED AS OF JANUARY 4TH, 2011
1. A Cruise! O RLY!

**Disclaimer: There's a "LAME" in "DISCLAIMER", which proves that disclaimers SUCK! I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh.**

Once upon a merry ol' time in jolly ol' Domino City, JA-FREAKING-PAN (NOT AMERICA, IDIOTS), there was a group of kids. Kids who were about to have a pleasant surprise.

"Check 'dis out!" Joey exclaimed, waving his friends over who were looking around in the game store while pointing at his laptop with the other hand. "'Dey got a video of 'da Saddam hangin' on 'da internet."

"Enough with the accent!" Tea bitched.

"Oh, man, I was just getting it down, too!"

Yami ran downstairs from the attic he's kept in to look at the video. "I WANNA WATCH, I WANNA WATCH!"

Everyone stared bewildered at Yami.

"Oh, uh, I mean, this may be interesting to watch. You know, historically."

Tristan spoke up. "I think Yami may be having a withdrawal."

"I am not!"

"Yeah," agreed Yugi from behind the counter, "Yami, you haven't mind-crushed someone in months. The pressure is getting to you."

"Oh, SCREW YOU!" snapped Yami.

"No, thanks. I am not gay." (Yes, this is a Yaoi potshot. Go me.)

"Yami, why don't you go lie down?" Joey asked.

"Is that your solution for everything?" returned the frustrated spirit.

"Hey, it worked whenever Serenity pulled some of my hair off at age 5..."

"Joey, I didn't take a nap, you broke a vase over my head." Serenity reminded him from across the store. "That's why I had to get my eyesight repaired."

"Uh... e-he he..."

"Yami, is there anything we can do to relieve your stress?" Tea asked, putting her hands on the pharaoh's shoulders.

"Oh, well there's always-"

"Sex?"

"...I was going to say a vacation."

Mokuba busted rudely through the door without any warning.

"Guys, my brother won tickets to a cruise and he said I could invite whoever I wanted to go and I want you guys to come!" Mokuba explained in one breath. "Please please please!"

"...How many times do we have to tell you not to go busting through the door like that?" Yugi asked the boy sternly.

"But- but- but-"

"No butting, Mokuba," Tea bent down to look at Mokuba on eye level. "Imagine the door as a giant wooden friendship kajigger."

"Oh, God, where is she going with this?" Tristan wondered to himself and to Joey.

"See, now, we need to cherish and respect the friendship door-"

"ARE YOU GOING TO COME OR NOT?" Mokuba screamed suddenly. Tea stood up and promptly shutted the hell up.

"Calm down, Mokuba," Yami said.

"What? Oh, I was just repeating what my brother said in the bedroom last night."

"Eww." Joey groaned.

"I know what you're thinking, but he was on the phone with a secretary so shut up."

"Anyway," Serenity started in an attempt to leave the course that the conversation had just taken "what were you saying, Mokuba?"

Mokuba sighed and then, slowly, repeated himself. "My brother won tickets to a cruise and he said I could invite whoever I wanted, and I am inviting you guys."

"What?" Yugi asked dully. "Oh, sorry, we were thinking about dueling, could you repeat that?"

"YOU GUYS ARE SO FREAKIN' STUPID!"

"Repeating what your brother said again?" asked Tristan.

"No, but I learned that from him."

"I heard him," said Serenity. "He's inviting us on a cruise because his brother won tickets and he allowed him to invite anyone."

"Yeah, but, uh..."

"What is it?" Yami asked.

"I can only take five of you." Mokuba said.

"Well, then, forget it!" Yugi exclaimed, slamming his hands onto the counter. "I'm not going unless all my friends are coming. That's what being friends is all about and- MMPH!" The others dragged Yugi to the back room before the end of his sentence.

"What are you, stupid?" Joey yelled angrily, taking his hand off of Yugi's mouth.

"Why does everybody keep saying that?" Yugi whined.

Joey was about to lay into Yugi further, but then a look of thought (which looked remarkably like a look of pain) appeared on his face. "You know, not a day goes by that I don't find myself asking that same question. That, and if mustard would taste good on a caramel crunch bar."

"Let's go try it out!" Yami said enthusiastically.

The whole gang headed over to Yugi's house to go try it.

"Tastes like a groin sandwich." Tristan concluded.

"What kind of dumbass idiot thought THIS was a good idea?" Yami asked.

"Uh, you and Joey," Mokuba reminded him.

"...Oh yeah."

"So, what's this about me being stupid?" Yugi asked Joey.

"Look, this could be our only chance to get Yami to unwind a little bit!" Joey said. "It would be relaxing for all of us too!"

"Yes, it's exactly the sort of vacation I didn't think about, but if I did, I'm sure I would've loved the idea." Yami said.

"Okay, fine." Yugi said, giving in. "But we need to decide who is going and who isn't. I vote myself out, I get seasick easy."

"Hey, wait, come to think of it, how the hell did we ever get separated?" Yami asked Yugi out of nowhere.

"I think it had something to do with a car battery," Yugi said, straining to remember.

"Oh, NO! NO! It couldn't be that!" Mokuba said, laughing awkwardly.

"What was that?" Joey asked, only half paying attention.

"Oh, nothing."

"Well, anyways, how are we going to decide, Yugi?" Bakura, who had been very silent up to that point, asked.

"Oh... you'll see..."

TO BE CONTINUED


	2. A Sleepover! LOL!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, and you don't own a house. There. I said it.**

Back at the Game Shop, Yugi had straws prepared and the rest of the gang was going to draw to find out which five people out of the group would go on the cruise, besides Yami, which technically meant that there would be four more people.

"Why did we even end the last chapter on a cliffhanger if it was just going to be straw-drawing?" Serenity asked. Suddenly, a loud breaking sound was heard in the game shop.

"What the hell was that?" Joey shouted.

"The fourth wall." Yugi shrugged. "Let's commence with the straw-drawing."

Long story short, the straw-drawing eventually took a left turn into "wresting for the rights to go on the trip" which, unsurprisingly, Joey and Tristan won. They voted on Tea going with them as the fourth member, even though there were supposed to be five people, and everybody laughed at Serenity and Bakura for being such big, stupid losers. Um, then they kissed and ran off into the sun together.

"Whoa, that one came out of nowhere," observed Tristan.

"Eh, better Bakura than Duke, Kaiba, or YOU." Joey said, pointing at Tristan.

Tristan's eyes welled up. "I hate you!" Then he ran out of the Game Shop crying.

"Hey, speaking of hate," Mokuba began, "the cruise is tomorrow, so we won't have too much time in the morning. You'll have to... um..."

"No, Mokuba, you can't have my Millennium Puzzle, or Tea's virginity." Yami said, shaking his head.

"I was going to say sleep over."

"You mean at your house/castle?" Joey asked.

"Yep."

A long awkward pause ensued.

"KICKASS!"

The guys ran to their respective houses, grabbed a bunch of their shit, and hightailed it to the mansion where none other than Seto Kaiba was blocking the entrance.

"Hold it, uneducated barbarians!" Kaiba shouted over their excited banter.

"What is it?" Tea asked.

"I figured Mokuba would invite you geeks, so I'm going to have to set a few rules for you before you enter the Kaiba mansion."

"Well, might as well set up camp here," groaned Yami.

"Very funny, smart ass," Kaiba growled. "We'll see how much of a joker you are when I pull out your nose cartilage with a pair of pliers and a icepick."

"Yeah, I'll tell you where you can put your pliers-"

"Rule one: No doing immature shit like Truth or Dare or Spin the Bottle. It just ends in massive orgies and good reviews by imbeciles who should know better."

Everyone nodded.

"Rule two: I have zero tolerance for countless descriptions of how glorious my house is. Leave something to the imagination. Rule Three: God gave you a brain for a reason. Use it and come up with something original. Rule four: There is no rule four. Any questions?" Tristan raised his hand.

"No questions? Okay, then-"

"Hey, douche, I had a question!" Tristan angrily shouted.

Kaiba's eyes almost rolled right out of his skull. "What?"

"Are we allowed to duel on the floor?"

"Yes, but make it coherent, and no new secret-rare cards that you just made up on the spot. Also, you can't wear a trench coat that's nicer than mine."

Tristan whined. "Awww... okay..."

Kaiba wrapped up his speech. "Okay, losers, you can come in, but I'm getting out."

"Why did you even give us any rules if you weren't going to stick around and enforce them?" Yami asked.

"Oh, those rules weren't for you guys. See you losers on the trip."

Kaiba hauled ass to the nearest Hampton Inn while the gang entered Kaiba's house/small village. Once in, they set up in the living room/movie theater and went to prepare dinner, or more accurately, got the cook to make dinner in the kitchen/restaurant.

"Damn, this place is the SHIZZLENIT!" Tristan again observed.

A robot following Kaiba's orders popped out of my computer and whacked me in the face for being a cliche-monger. Meanwhile, a duel erupted in the kitchen between Joey and Tristan over who got to say something mean to the cook first.

"I summon my Bad Ass Mutha to destroy your Mr. Twinkletits!" Joey declared.

"Aha, but my trap card Spell Card stops you from attacking and allows me to put ten random cards from your deck into a paper-shredder!"

"Damn, I hate you."

"Hey, guys, let's play Spin the Bottle!" Tea chirped happily.

Long pause.

"...Truth or Dare?"

Another long pause.

"...Beat the Clock?"

Yep, another pause. Finally, a robot hurled a vase at Tea's head and knocked her out.

"Ha ha!" Mokuba laughed. "Now they can't stop me from taking-"

"Hey, I have a real stupid idea!" Tristan announced. "Let's go swimming in Kaiba's pool/the Amazon River."

So they did, and guess what? Nothing happened, because it was nothing but dudes. No, slash lovers, I'm not writing any sex scenes.

Okay, so they were all swimming and floating, until Mokuba came in and crashed the party.

"It's late, go to bed."

"Hey, Mokuba has the right idea!" said Yami. "Let's go to bed, it's getting late."

"But, Yami, it's only five o'clock PM!" whined Joey.

"Believe me, you don't realize just how early you'll be getting up for this trip."

"But, I'm not sleepy!"

"I can help you with that, if you'll come out of the pool."

They came out of the pool, and Mokuba nailed each of them in the head with a vase. So the Yu-Gi-Oh gang laid down for sleepy-kins and you get pissed off at me for ending the chapter without a dumb ass game of Truth or Dare.

TO BE CONTINUED!


	3. A Journey! BRB!

**Disclaimer: the**

**Oh, fine, I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. I never get to have any fun.**

Yami and friends, plus Mokuba, Kaiba, and Tea, were standing around at the coast of Japan... somewhere, preparing to board the cruise ship.

"Hey, does anyone know what city this is?" asked Tea to her friends.

"Some place call 'Nowhere.'" Mokuba answered.

"Really?" Tristan asked, trying to think of where he had heard that before. He later found that he had heard it from Courage, the Cowardly Dog.

"Yeah, I think this section of the city is called 'Bumfuck.'"

"Bumfuck, Nowhere?" Joey scoffed.

"My, what a strange name," Yami yawned.

"Are you geeks going to board the ship or not?" Kaiba barked.

Before the rest of the group could ignore Kaiba, Bakura suddenly popped up. "Hey, guys!"

Everyone did a double take. "Bakura?"

"You aren't coming, you lost the wrestling match!" Joey bitched. "In fact, if I recall, I broke your neck!"

"Yeah, and I hit you so hard that you went crying to your mommy all the way back to hell!" Tristan added.

"And WHERE IS MY SISTER?"

"You guys miscounted, I'm allowed to come because five others besides Mokuba are allowed. You nitwits counted four others."

"Who are calling nitwit?" Tristan asked stupidly.

"Yeah, and where is my sister?" Joey repeated.

"At her house. Durr."

"GET YOUR STINKING ASSES ON THE SHIP!" screamed a certain high-strung CEO from behind.

As the Yu-Gi-Oh dudes proceeded to get their stinking asses on the ship, they noticed a lot of undesirable people on the ship. No, not Flyleaf and Army of Anyone, although they would be less desirable than these guys.

"Marik and Pegasus?" Yami exclaimed. "What are YOU guys doing here?"

"Well, we're standing here, minding our own business," drawled Pegasus. "Would you like to mind my business for me?"

"Um. Ew. No."

"Aww, why not?"

"Because you're a dude."

"So?"

"Uh... I'm straight."

"Oh... pussy."

A little while later, Tea walked over to Marik. "Marik, may I mind your business?"

"Um. Ew. No."

"Aww, why not?"

"Because you're a chick."

"So?"

"Uh... I'm gay."

"Oh... dick."

Yami sighed, already bored with all the dumb shit. "You guys argue all you want, I'm going to my room to relax."

"May I come?" asked Tea.

"Sure, if you just want to sit around and watch me sleep."

"Sounds great! Don't snore too loudly!"

"Don't tell me my business, Devil Woman!"

Yami walked off with Tea, who was mesmerized by Yami's sexy man-bitch ass.

What the... what the fuck is wrong with me?

Anyway, the dudes just sort of stood around, looking at the water... looking at the waves, rocking the boat, sunset only several hours away. Rocking... rocking... rocking...

After the guys were done being seasick and vomiting, they discussed things. No, nothing important or card-game oriented. Go back to scraping chicken out of your belly button with a spork if that's what you want. During the discussion, it was revealed that Mai was somehow also on the ship.

"Well, Pegasus and Marik, you guys can stand around and enjoy each other, we're going to go find Mai and have slutty sex with her." Joey said, all macho-like.

Marik suddenly fell to the ground, writhing around as if taken by some kind of demon... or worse.

"What's his problem?" Tristan asked Pegasus.

"Well, he's either giving me a lap dance, or he's turning into his yami."

"Oh, dear," muttered Bakura.

"Bakura, don't open your yap unless you have something smart or cool to say," Joey said, irritated with the second-banana being allowed any dialogue.

"Piss off, you stupid ass wank."

Marik got back up, with spiky hair and a VERY RUDE looking face.

"Yami-Marik!" gasped Joey.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Yes. Yes, I am. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA."

"Great," moaned Pegasus, "Yami-Marik hates me."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That's because you keep asking me if I want to have sex with you! Just because you and Marik got married, doesn't mean I have to be part of it! Now, where's Mai, I'm gonna show her 'Mai' love! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA."

Yami-Marik ran off to find Mai, Joey and Tristan tried desperately to catch up with him. Meanwhile, Tea came back after being rejected by Yami and being thrown out for trying to watch Boohbah while Yami was trying to sleep. She decided to try to un-gay Pegasus.

"Come on, Peggy, I'm right here and willing."

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

Tea whined more and more and more. "I thought gay guys related to girls more, wouldn't that mean that girls are sexually attractive to them?"

Pegasus face faulted. "Tea Gardner, let me quote what a wise man once said in an Adam Sandler movie: what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your foolish, intolerant sentence were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. I am now dumber for having heard to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

"Goddamnit, I'm going to go find Kaiba!" Tea stormed off.

"You realize he hates you, right?" Pegasus called after her.

"I DON'T CARE! I'M DESPERATE!"

"Honey, we know that."

"SHUT YOUR STINKIN' WINKIN' JAR-JAR BINKSIN' MOULTH!"

Tea stormed off, in anger. Rage. Fury. PMS. Whateevr you want to call it, that's what she walked away with.

Pegasus coolly shook his head. "Bitch, please."

Pegasus turned around and just happened to notice that the ship was headed towards a monster-ass storm.

"OH SHI-"

TO BE CONTINUED OH MY GOD WHAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN NEXT?


	4. A Shipwreck! OMG!

**Disclaimer: I just had a life and death experience with my junk computer's toolbar. Make your own "nedthejanitor doesn't own Yu-Gi-Oh" disclaimer.**

"OH, LORD, A HUGE WAVE IS COMING FOR THE SHIP!" squealed Pegasus like a pig in bed who regularly gets fucked by an Egyptian. "I'D BETTER GO AS FAST AS I CAN TO GET LIFE RAFTS! OH, THIS IS A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH!"

Pegasus then pranced to the life rafts as though he was playing hopscotch, but alas, it was too late. The massive wave nailed the ship like it was a whore in Bigpenisland. The ship was thrown all the way to a nearby island, a desolate one with no water whatsoever. No, not Bigpenisland. Unfortunately, Pegasus didn't survive the wave, so we-

"I'm fine! Hey, I think I lost a pound! My butt will look even CUTER!"

Damn, I was hoping I could write you out. Well, you're in the summary, so I guess I would've had to change that, and I'm really lazy. After about two hours of your typical unconscious state, the Yu-Gi-Oh gang woke up on the gigantic island.

"Holy crap, we're on Bigpenisland!" Tea exclaimed.

"YIPPEE!" Pegasus chirped.

"Not quite," Yugi said, much to everyone's shock.

"Yugi, what the fuck are you doing here?" Yami asked in complete shock.

"That is not important. What is important is that we are not on Bigpenisland.

"Oh, yeah? Then where the hell are we?"

Yugi thought for a split second. "Well, it's dry, sandy and yet also covered in grass everywhere except the coast areas. We're obviously on top of Tea's vagi-"

"San Diego!" Yami guessed.

"...Not even close. In fact, you deserve to have your foot stuck in a shredder for that."

"I don't care where we are. I'm still resting until we are rescued. Good day to you, sirs."

Yami lied on the ground and started snoring loudly. A helicopter landed immediately following Yami's collapse. Two guys walked out.

"Hi, I'm the guy from Queer Eye!" Carson greeted the cast. "That rhymed! I'm so OVER THE TOP and HILARIOUSLY NOT STRAIGHT! EL OH EL!"

Yugi pursed his lips. "You mean the annoying attention whore who hogs the camera, never shuts the hell up, and reinforces every unpleasant stereotype of gay people ever?"

"Yep, and this is my emotionless sex slave, Pat! AREN'T I OUTRAGEOUS?"

"Outrageously stupid." Tristan burned.

"What are you doing here?" asked Yugi.

"This is Bigpenisland, isn't it?" Carson asked.

"Sorry, no," Pegasus and Marik answered.

"Oh, hoot! I guess I'll have to take my BIG PURPLE HELICOPTER WITH RAINBOWS, FLUFFY ANIMALS, AND SHIRTLESS MUSCLE MEN and get out of here!"

Pegasus and Marik ran for the helicopter. "WAIT, TAKE US WITH-"

Carson and Pat flew away, leaving the Yu-Gi-Oh gang feeling slightly violated.

"...you." Marik finished alone. "Hey, why didn't someone ask him to get us out of here?"

"First of all, we wouldn't all fit, and second of all, TAKE A RIDE WITH HIM? ARE YOU NUTS?" Joey yelled.

"Hey, who's that?" Bakura pointed toward the sea, where Kaiba was walking, drenched and pissed off, to the edge of the island.

"Where the hell is the captain?" Kaiba asked through clenched teeth.

"He went down with his ship." Bakura answered. "Like an honorable man."

"Honorable, my shit! Look what he did to MOKUBA!"

Kaiba pulled Mokuba out of one of the pockets of his massive trench coat. He had a crab attached to his hair and was drenched in a stinky substance. So, he resembled a country singer... who sails, I guess. I don't know, I just pulled that simile out of my ass.

"What does he have all over him?" asked Tea.

"I think I fell into a cow pie patch when the ship wrecked..." Mokuba said weakly.

"HOW IS THIS HAPPENING?" Kaiba shouted.

"That's a very good question." Pegasus said to himself thoughtfully.

A cow then suddenly emerged from the ocean and laughed at Mokuba for looking like his toilet.

"...and that just raises FURTHER questions!"

"Oh, shut up and stop whining." Joey said happily. "We have food now, cow and crab. We'll make a fire with this wood and my trusty lighter. Everything's going to be OKAY!"

"Well, stupid, what do you plan on doing about water?" Marik sneered.

"You can drink my urine!"

"I drink NO ONE'S urine but Peggy's!"

"Eeeewwww."

A big crate labeled WATER washed up to the island completely out of nowhere. Not to be confused with Bumfuck, Nowhere, the scenic tourist attraction.

"GOD LOVES US!" Tristan celebrated.

"Not very much, this water won't last forever," Yugi judged. "Maybe two days, tops."

"I'm sure more will wash up," Joey said. "Let's get cooking."

"Luckily I brought my hilarious cooking apron!" Bakura said excitedly.

"All our bags are in the ocean right now, you idiot!" Kaiba railed.

Bakura threw himself on the ground, flailing and crying like a bitch. Suddenly, the ocean spat up an apron.

"It's my hilarious apron!" Bakura squealed, hugging the apron. "I'll never lose it again!"

"What makes it hilarious?" asked Mokuba.

"It says 'Kiss The Cook.' HAW HAW HAW!"

"Sounds like the ocean didn't even want it." Marik deadpanned.

OH, THE SUSPENSE! WILL THEY LIVE? WILL THEY KEEP FROM TEARING EACH OTHER'S THROATS OUT? WILL THEY EVER MAKE A FIRE? WHY THE HELL ARE THERE COWS IN THE OCEAN? _WHERE'S MY WORLD GEOGRAPHY TEXTBOOK?_

But, most importantly... DO YOU CARE?

TO BE SO VERY CONTINUED!


	5. A Chase! SRSLY!

**Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh doesn't belong to me, but maybe someday... no, pretty sure it still won't. Or ever. ...Now I made myself sad. Are you happy now?**

**Sorry for the gigantic delay, I've been doing some summer shit, but then I got bored, so I guess it's back to doing this! I'M SO EXCITED! Oh, yeah, this and all my other stories will no longer be in script format, because apparently, it's fricking illegal.**

So, let's recap: Yugi, Yami, Marik, Pegasus, Bakura, Tea, Tristan, Joey, and the Kaiba brothers were all stuck on an island where they had miraculously managed to not murder each other as of yet. That night, Joey and Bakura were cooking over a campfire, or more accurately, Joey was cooking and Bakura was being treated for second-degree burns, due to being about ten feet away from the fire. His poor, supremely pale skin almost melted right off his bones.

"Well, at least my hilarious apron is still intact." Bakura said cheerfully.

"Yes, we can all be thankful for that." Pegasus sneered quietly, high fiving his husband Marik.

"Wow, Bakura, your skin is still smoking!" Yugi said, astonished. "I don't know how you manage to survive in the summer!"

"I know, it's going to take forever to recover from this."

"How _do_ you survive anyways?" Mokuba asked.

"I'm not sure. Normally, my skin condition isn't this severe. I think it has something to do with this island." Bakura thoughtfully said.

"Yo, Joey, I think you're over-cooking the steak," Tristan said.

"The only thing that got over-cooked around here is Bakura," Joey said, disgruntled, "He was near the fire for like three seconds, and BOOM his skin started smoking."

"Hey, where's your brother?" Yugi asked Mokuba.

"Him and Yami went to go find a place to duel." Mokuba said, unable to mask his complete shame.

"On an island? With SAND?" Tristan shouted. "Don't those guys ever stop thinking about cards for one second?"

"Well, it's not like they have much of anything better to do." Mokuba shrugged. "Anyway, Joey, be sure to save some food for my brother and Yami."

"Come on, guys, food's ready." announced Joey to the hungry crowd.

Everyone rushed over from two feet away to grab some steak. Tea stole some from Marik in order to get his attention like a third grade girl.

"Hey, that was mine, Tea!" growled Marik.

"No, I saw it first." Tea argued.

"Get your own, friendship bitch! You were eying Yami's crotch earlier!"

"Well, I was eying a steak anyway."

"Yeah, sure, a five thousand year old spirit has a penis!" Marik sneered, crossing his arms over his chest so that Tea couldn't gawk at it and slobber. "That's real fucking likely!"

"Well, in that case, can I have yours?"

"EW!"

"Quit fighting, let's be mature about this." said Yugi, attempting to be the morality police.

"Are you kidding, Yugi? This may be the only source of entertainment we get until we're rescued. Let's watch!" Joey said excitedly, while chewing on his meat... oh, crap, I made a dick joke without even realizing it. Oh wait, I did realize it, because I just now pointed it out.

Suddenly, Marik got angry enough at Tea's ridiculous antics to turn into Yami Marik. This also sparked Bakura's ring, causing Bakura to become Yami Bakura.

"HAHAHA! I am the darkness!" Yami Marik screamed to nobody in particular. Meanwhile, Yami Bakura snatched Tea's food away and just went after it like a hungry lion. And everyone had to watch it, since there was no 4Kids around to censor it so children didn't have to get scarred for life by watching someone eat weird.

4Kids, the purveyor of human morality. The defender of justice. The taker of shits. Anyway, on with the story.

"Hey, has anyone seen Mai?" Yami Marik asked, a hint of worry in his growl-y voice.

"No, I think she drowned," Yugi sadly said. "We should make a memorial for her and all the other people that died."

"Are you KIDDING?" Yami Marik shouted excitedly. "Death is the greatest thing ever invented! I'm single again!"

"No, you are not!" said an offended Pegasus. "I'm your wife!"

"Piss off! I don't care how female you look, Pegasus, you are most fucking certainly NOT a female!"

"Hey, Yami Marik, now that you're single again..." Tea suggestively said.

"TO THE WOODS WE GO!" Yami Marik declared, dragging Tea with him.

"What are they doing?" Joey asked Yami Bakura.

Yami Bakura explained it like this, "Well, Yami Marik has a bone to bury, if you know what I mean. And I think you do, because I'm laying it on pretty thick."

"Why are we all talking nice to each other all of a sudden?" a confused Tristan wondered aloud.

"Hey, we're stuck with each other on an island, we'll fight when we're rescued." Yami Bakura responded. "Besides, one of my general rules of living is that free steak rules."

All of a sudden, a sound of frantic rustling was heard nearby. Everyone assumed it was Tea and Yami Marik getting busy, but then footsteps were heard coming closer. Very fast, frantic footsteps.

"Oh, snap," Joey whispered.

Suddenly, Yami leaped out of the forest.

"RUN AWAY!" Yami roared, Kaiba in hot pursuit, a look or sheer hatred in his eyes.

"GO!" Yugi shouted, running with Yami. Everyone saw Kaiba, and they immediately realized he's lost his ever-loving mind. So the running and screaming began.

TO BE CONTINUED!


	6. A Singer! WOOT!

Disclaimer: Smile, I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, and it's very unlikely that YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA!

The Yu-Gi-Oh gang ran around like Scooby Doo and his hippie-ass friends for about 12 minutes before each and every one of them collapsed at the same time, causing Kaiba to trip over them. Then they started running again until they wandered into a cave and Kaiba calmed down at long last.

"Where are we?" asked a frightened Mokuba.

"We're in a cave." Joey stated teasingly. "What, are you afraid of the bad old dark, Mokuba?"

"No way!"

Suddenly, a noise from close by echoed through the cave.

"AAHH!" Mokuba screamed.

"Relax, that was just Kaiba hitting his head on the ceiling." said Tea.

"It's not my fault I'm so tall!" said a frustrated Kaiba. "Anyway, I'm supposed to be chasing you right now, but I'm just going to give you a warning."

"Whatever, douche." Yami mocked.

"What was that you said?" Kaiba snarled.

"Uh, I said, THANK YOU BERRY BERRY MUCH FOR NOT CHASING ME!"

So they walked a little further. That is, until they heard a scraping noise.

"What now?" Tristan shouted.

"Uh, that would be my hair scraping the ceiling." Yami Marik answered awkwardly.

"Well, duck down!"

"With Pegasus walking behind me? No thanks."

So their walking continued. After a few minutes, they started getting a little worried, because there was a third and final noise that could not be explained away as just the cast's incompetence at not hitting their heads or hair on the ceiling.

"We've walked too far, we need to go back!" said Mokuba.

"No way, not until we find out where that noise is coming from!" Joey told him, walking a little faster.

"But what if it's a g-g-ghost?"

"Nonsense, Scooby- uh... Mokuba. There's not going to be a ghost in this cave." Yami said comfortingly.

"After seeing a cow come out of the ocean, a ghost wouldn't seem too strange at all." Kaiba mused.

"Hey, thanks for being such a comforting big brother. Dick." Tea scolded.

"I'm sure you want dick, Tea." Kaiba shot back.

"I can vouch for that! WOOO!" Yami Marik hollered.

"Shut up, the sounds are getting closer! It sounds like a guitar." Yugi pointed out.

So the gang tiptoed ever closer to the guitar-like sounds, until finally they came across the source of the sounds.

"Donovan?" the gang shouted simultaneously. Five e-bucks to anybody who knows what that means.

"Oh, hello, visitors. I haven't had company since I arrived here in 1984. Please, sit down." Donovan said, somewhat excited.

"What the holy hell? But, I thought you were releasing an album or something. What are you doing here?" Kaiba asked.

"Ah, you are probably confused. Here, let me explain in a song I wrote for just this occasion." Donovan said, playing the opening notes of his song.

"...Sorry, guys." Kaiba apologized as the song started.

(In 1982, when my popularity was gone

I hired a cadaver just to take my place.

I moved to an island I bought for myself

So I wouldn't have to live in a vase

This island is a place without physics

Outside of the realm of space and time

I live inside of this darkened cave

Here's another sentence that rhymes

Hurdy gurdy durka durk

Hurka durky dooky doo

shamalalalalam

Two plus two is twenty two

The animals of this vast forest

Are my only company

From the largest elephant

To the tiniest bee

So welcome visitors

To my humble home

Please, do enjoy your stay

Would you like some gome?)

Donovan finished up his song with a long fucking flute solo. No one applauded.

"What the hell is gome?" asked Yami Bakura.

"Oh, I couldn't think of anything that rhymed, so I just twisted the word 'gum'. Plus, I was tired." Donovan explained.

"Okay, I guess this explains why there are cows in the ocean and you haven't aged like milk, but do you know how we can get home?" Yugi asked.

"Why would you want to leave this magnificent place? It has everything you need."

"Except TV, computers, cellphones, air conditioners, and other instruments that we use from day to day." Kaiba pointed out. "Plus, I have a corporation to run."

"Corporations are evil, and I won't have a corporation owner in MAH CAVE! Sick 'em, rabbits!" Donovan pointed to Kaiba, and the bunnies went after him. Kaiba was chased back out of the cave.

"Any more greedy corporate scumbags in my cave?" Donovan asked menacingly.

"Uh... I think Marik might be." said Yami.

"You bastard! I'm a murderous soul-shredding psychopath!" Yami Marik corrected.

"Oh, that's fine, as long as you aren't a corporate slave." Donovan said warmly. "HEY! Where's my guitar?"

"It left, with Bakura." Tea answered, pointing at the exit.

"You know what? ALL OF YOU GET OUT! YOU LET HIM TAKE THE ONLY GUITAR I'VE GOT, I DON'T CARE WHETHER OR NOT YOU FREEZE TO DEATH! OUT!" Donovan screeched manicly.

"Take it easy, man." said Joey. "I thought you were supposed to be peaceful."

"I AM, NOW GO, OR I'LL KILL YOU!" Donovan roared, pointing at the exit. Everyone left out of the cave.

TO BE CONTINUED!


	7. A Ship! RUN!

**Disclaimer: All your Yu-Gi-Oh are not to me belong. You got that?  
**

Everyone left the Donovan cave, but then on the horizon they saw a SHIT!

I mean, SHIP! Well, they saw a shit too, but they assumed it was from an ocean bear, which is not to be confused with a manatee, also know as the sea cow. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming:

"Holy super cala cow crap! A ship is in the distance! We would probably be wise to run and tell them that we are stranded here!" Yugi shouted, pointing out the ship in the distance while everyone else glared at him.

"Yes, Yugi. We know." Joey told him. "LET'S RUN!"

So Yugi, Yami, Tea, Joey, Yami Marik, Pegasus, Mokuba, and Tristan all ran for the ship, catching up with Yami Bakura and the rabbit-bitten Kaiba, who also saw the ship.

"Oh, shit, we better start running faster!" Tristan screamed.

"Why?" asked Tea. No one answered her. Until Kaiba looked behind them.

"Donovan is chasing us with a SHOTGUN!" Kaiba exclaimed, running even faster.

The gang looked behind them, and indeed, Donovan was dressed up in hunting gear and was following them with a shotgun clenched in his hands.

"In the name of peace and love, I'm going to BLOW YOUR HEADS CLEAN OFF! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Donovan roared with insane laughter as he trailed behind them, now shooting in their general direction. Fortunately, his shooting was on par with marksmen such as Elmer Fudd and Marty McFly using his left hand, so the Yu-Gi-Oh gang had a good chance of getting away from him completely unscathed.

Suddenly, Donovan managed to hit Yami Bakura. Or, more specifically, he hit his own guitar and missed Yami Bakura. Yami Bakura dropped the now ruined guitar and Donovan just stopped and weeped over the loss of his poor guitar. He then proceeded to bury it and hold a funeral. Um, then he started laughing like the Three Stooges and shoving sand down his pants, rubbing it all over his genitals. The cast of Yu-Gi-Oh had stopped to watch the spectacle

"What a strange man." Yami Marik said to the others, not realizing the irony of his statement.

"Let's keep going, we can talk about that crazy guy later!" Yami yelled, running toward the ship. The others followed after him.

"We're almost to the shore! And it looks like the ship saw us! WE'RE GOING TO BE SAFE!" Pegasus screamed girlishly. "I'm going to live to read another issue of Funny Bunny!"

But, alas, they had one more challenge that they had to face before they got to the ship.

"OH GOD, A FREAKIN' BEAR! RIGHT IN FRONT OF US AT TWELVE O'CLOCK!" Tea shrieked in her annoying bitch voice. The gang turned right so they wouldn't have to face the bear. The gang made it to the shore, where they met the ship.

"How did you kids end up on this island?" the salty old one eyed peg legged captain asked.

"Our cruise ship crashed." said Mokuba.

"Well, that's all fine and dandy, but we're here to give Donovan his food and supplies." the first mate, who only had half a peg leg and half a missing eye, told them.

"Yes, he needs his food, water, and guitar strings." said the captain.

"Oh, he'll have no need for strings. The dumb bastard shot his own guitar." Yami Bakura chuckled.

"Hmm. I see. Well, first mate, unload the food and water and we'll get him a new guitar the next time we come over here." the captain ordered the first mate, who promptly obeyed. They walked toward the cave, but stopped when they saw Donovan lying completely naked in the sand, playing with himself with sand all over his hands and laughing with tears in his eyes.

"Well, it appears that he has lost his mind again. First mate, take the supplies back into the ship and prepare a place for Donovan. Oh, yeah, and prepare the tranquilizer gun." the captain ordered.

"Hey, we want off of this island too!" Joey whined.

"No! We're already weighed down. We may sink to the bottom of the sea if we let you all on." the captain said.

"Please?"

"NO!"

About thirty seconds later, the captain, who now had two peg legs thanks to Kaiba, was leading the way onto the ship, the excited Yu-Gi-Oh gang following behind him.

"We're going home! I'm the happiest man on earth!" Yugi yelled triumphantly.

"Man? Please! You barely qualify as a boy!" Pegasus mocked. "Now, Yami Bakura! There's a real man!"

"You stay far away from me, Pegasus." Yami Bakura warned.

"As you wish, cutie pie."

"I need to be back rather quickly, captain. I have a corporation to run." Kaiba said.

"You'll be going back on MY timetable." the captain growled.

"What was that?" Kaiba asked threateningly, raising his fist to hit him.

"Uh, I meant, I'll drop you off quickly as possible, Mr. Kaiba, sir!"

The gang got on the ship and walked to the edge, looking at the beautiful sunrise. They all stared out at the sun, knowing that they were, without a doubt, the most fortunate people on the face of the planet at this very moment. They would sure have a story to tell whenever they got back to Japan.

Then the ship sank due to the weight and everyone on board was killed.

TO BE CONTINUED...

...SERIOUSLY, THERE'S GOING TO BE A CLOSING CHAPTER, SO STICK AROUND


	8. Epilogue

**Disclaimers: Yucky Ohs? That doesn't sound like a good cereal. Oh, you were talking about Yu-Gi-Oh? No, I don't own it.**

So, picking up where we left off, Yugi, Joey, Tristan, Tea, Mokuba and Bakura all went to Heaven after dying in a most terrible shipwreck. The others went to Hell for various reasons. Kaiba, for running a corporation. Yami Marik, for being pure unrestrained evil and wearing that gaudy cape. Yami Bakura, for being a thief and being the rapist in too many Yaoi rape fics. Pegasus, for being annoying and stealing peoples' souls. Marik, for all of the reasons listed above. Except for the corporation part. And maybe the cape.

"Wow... it's beautiful. Where are we?" asked Joey.

"Uh, look around. We we're drowning a second ago, and now we're all in clouds." Tea explained. "What do you think?"

"Uh... Pizza Hut?"

"NO! You moron, we're in Heaven! Look, there's the pearly gates!" Tea pointed out the big shiny gates that were literally inches in front of them.

"Wowee! Is that St. Peter?" Yugi asked.

"No, Yugi, that's a cloud with a beard." Joey said, a hint of 'duh' in his voice.

"Joey, you didn't even know we were in heaven ten seconds ago," Yugi said. "You have no right to imply that _I'm_ the stupid one."

"Hey, there he is!" Tea pointed at the old man with a beard next to the pearly gates.

"Hi there!" Tristan yelled right in St. Peter's face. "We're duelists!"

"Hello, newly dead ones." St. Peter warmly greeted, ignoring Tristan's obnoxiousness. "May I have your names?"

"I don't know, I don't like giving people stuff unless I know 'em better." Joey said.

St. Peter laughed. "No, I meant, tell me what your name is."

So the gang all told St. Peter their names and he wrote them down on a gold clipboard with perfectly white paper.

"Okay, you are allowed in, but be forewarned. The Lord likes ducks, always has. If you step on a duck, the Lord with chain you to somebody undesirable for one thousand years. Be very cautious." St. Peter warned ominously, opening the gate.

So the guys all walked into Heaven. They decided the first thing to do would be to look around.

"Look! We are Toys!" Mokuba squealed happily. "It's like Toys r Us, but with perfect grammar!"

Mokuba tried to run into the store, but a duck was in the way. He ended up tripping over it and, immediately, a golden chain appeared around his leg. On the other side of the chain, Janis Joplin.

"NOOOOO!" Mokuba roared. Janis just smiled her weird, lip-less smile.

"Hey, Alanis Morrisette!" Joey said.

"Uh... no. She isn't even dead." said Janis.

"...Fiona Apple?"

"No. She isn't dead either."

"...Kurt Cobain?"

"Hey, let's go to Paul's Mall, y'all!" Tea suggested. Everyone happily agreed, since they were all teenagers, and went with Tea to the mall which was bigger than Los Angeles and was full of even more consumer shit as if that were even possible. Unfortunately, while messing around in the playing card section (where the fuck did you think they would go), Tea accidentally stepped on a duck who was playing Pokemon with another duck. She ended up getting tethered to Jerry Falwell, who they had to borrow out of Hell for a thousand years. Unfortunately, Jerry Falwell was still burning in eternal hellfire as he walked around with her, so she had to hear his wails of terror for a thousand years.

"Hey, guys, I'm going to go to McDaniel's for a chicken sandwich, I'll catch up with you later." Tristan told the others.

"Okay." said Bakura. "So what do you chaps want to do now, wot wot?"

"I'm going to the electronics section." Yugi said. The other guys went with him, while Tea went to the lingerie section of the store a few miles away with the still suffering Jerry Falwell.

Mmmhmmm...

Back in the electronics section, Yugi, Joey (who has been chained to an ugly stripper for stepping on a duck) and Mokuba were wandering around the movie aisle, which is monstrously long since Heaven is home to every movie that has ever been made in the history of human kind. Hell, it never stops growing. You could be wondering around at the beginning and the next thing you know you have an extra twenty minutes before you can get to the end.

"Wow, every movie ever made is here in this one tape!" Yugi said, holding up a tape made of gold and silver.

"Cool, but I'd rather take this one." Joey held up a sparkling Platinum tape labeled All the Good Movies Ever Made.

"Well, that one is cheaper. Let's get it!" Yugi said. But, as he was walking to the counter, guess what happened. I'll give you a hint: it involved a duck.

So, Yugi, now chained up with the burning Pegasus, walked to the mansion where the Yu-Gi-Oh gang would be staying in. St. Peter gave them the address, it's a massive 30 story gold mansion in a neighborhood of other 30 story gold mansions. Everyone was already there, in the hot tub, including Tristan who was now chained up with...

"A mountain troll?" Joey roared in astonishment.

"Wow, Tristan, what did you do?" Yugi asked.

The mountain troll looked up at Joey and Yugi and said:

"I don't know what he did, but I stepped on a duck."

Then he jacked off and vomited blood all over Tristan.

THE END!


End file.
